When I was in high school, Dr Martins were all the rage. I wanted some very badly, and finally had the money to purchase them at one point. I think the ones I wanted were about $200. I had never owned shoes that expensive, and I was very excited. I went to the mall and found the ones I wanted. The sales lady told me it was better to get them snug because the leather would stretch as I broke them in. So I decided to do what I was told and got them a little snug.
After trying to wear them for a few hours at a time for the next few months, I realized that I had purchased shoes that I would never be able to wear. I kept the shoes for about a decade before I sold them in a garage sale. I still have the corns on four of my toes as evidence.
Did the sales lady lie to me? I blamed her for a long time. But I don't think she had all the tools to determine that the shoes were the right size. I was the only one who could feel them. She gained nothing by leading me to the wrong size of shoe, and I was the one who would have to live with my decision. I had the choice to try a larger size, and I chose not to. I had been wearing shoes all my life, and I questioned my ability to select shoes based on the opinion of someone I'd never met. I never bought another pair of Dr. Martins.
I've done similar things with other major decisions in my life. I've second guessed my ability and authority on making my own decisions and done what others thought I should do.
Not that I haven't made some bad decisions on my own. No doubt I have regretted a few things I've done. Some of them with people advising me wisely against doing them.
I'm mostly not talking about decisions I have made on impulse. I'm talking about things I've spent months or even years anticipating and praying for.
There are alot of well meaning people in my life that have seen me doing or being something different than what I truly know I'm supposed to be. And I've lived in situations in a life that wasn't truly authentic, and when that season was over, I felt cheated. I felt like I cheated myself of what I truly could have had. I took a wrong flight and ended up somewhere I never wanted to be, longing for the place I wanted to go in the first place.
A few years back, I decided I was old enough to live authentically and be the person I feel I was created to be. It took some doing, and I scared alot of people who really love me.
I have lost some people along the way, and many people who were main characters in other chapters of my life would probably ditch me if they hung out with me long enough to see how much I've changed. It's not that I like losing people from my life, but I really hated losing myself in who I was trying to be before.
I'm not sure the decisions I've made for my life are all going to be blockbuster success stories, but they will be my story and not someone else's screenplay. I won't be wearing someone else's shoes.
I want to be in the will of God, but that means something different than it used to mean. I believe he created the path he wants me to walk, and it fits me. I won't feel like I'm walking in shoes that don't fit, even when there are trials and tribulations.
I don't want to wonder if I'm doing something simply because I'm afraid others will be disappointed. I also don't want to live only considering myself and my feelings and disregard all counsel. I want to know the difference between feeling pressured to fit into the molds that others think I should live in and wise counsel that I should actually listen to and follow.
I used to think if I respected someone or if they were experienced in a certain area that I should always take their advice. I felt that it was disrespectful and even stupid to follow my own path if advice from a quality source had been given. It became gospel. It wasn't always.
The truth is, there are pieces of the puzzle that only I have. Even God has reserved one piece of the puzzle and given it to me: my will. He reserves it for the most beautiful reason there is. He wants the final decision on whether we follow him to be ours and ours alone. Whether we love him to be ours and ours alone. When we do the will of others, we steal from God the only thing he treasures most: for us to want him.
He wants the shoes we walk in to fit. He made them perfectly and exclusively for us to walk in. They aren't meant for everyone else.
