As I lay here next to my younger sister waiting for my alarm to go off in a few short hours, I can't help but have a wide range of emotions tripping my sensors and changing from one to the next as fast as I can decipher which one I'm feeling. Moments of giddy excitement followed by shivers of fear, quickly followed by dreamy wonder, followed by a moment of acknowledging the depth of the love I have for this man and all the ways my life has changed and will be changing as soon as I can blink.
The hardest season of waiting I hope I ever encounter in my life is ending today. This time of waiting has shaped who I am to the core of my being and I hope that God is pleased overall with the result of the burning and chiseling of my soul that I have walked through. I haven't always been gracious. I haven't always been faithful. I most certainly have not always been strong. But I have made it to the end of this season with a keen understanding of how it feels to be an outsider and to have an ache in your heart so deep that at times felt as if it might be rotting your flesh. I'm not unmarked by the road that I have not chosen to walk. But I hope that this long time of waiting for my bridegroom will leave only strength and depth.
My love has finally come. I feel like my life can actually begin.
In high school, I went to a small Christian school. The entire high school was 36 people and we all were in one classroom. We had one option for girls sports and that was volleyball. I was on the team only because there was no other phys ed option for girls. Our team was the best team in our small league every year. They were not messing around.
In every practice and every game for my entire high school career, I sat the bench. In practices, I often was told to run laps inside the gym. I knew I would not play. I am not sure I ever hit a ball that went over the net or that another player could humanly save. I knew I wasn't good. I knew my place. I could cheer for the girls that could play. And I did it with the same or more passion than anyone who was on the court played. I gave anyone that got traded out their water and praised them privately for their contribution.
As I've watched dozens of my friends get married, I cheered and did any and everything I could to help. I learned to be super bridesmaid and super wedding coordinator. I watched from the sideline, sincerely happy for the ones who got to play in the game, but painfully longing to be called in. I felt as though I was labeled as a bad player even though I had never been given the chance to try. I read the Bible several times cover to cover and absorbed every sermon, every book on relationships I could find. I even gave advice that was sound and researched, but almost never given even the smallest amount of creedence. I had never played the game. All I had was... Research. Theories. Observations.
I know I'm going to miss some plays and have times that I foul or step over the line, and I might run face first into the net and clothesline myself. But I hope with the right practice, I can find myself ready and fearlessly on my knees with steady hands and focused sight to land the plays exactly where they need to go to win the game for my team.
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