It's been a long time since I've posted. I kinda wish I had kept up this blog the last few years, but I didn't. Sometimes, when you start a blog and you call it something about dummies, you still check yourself before you post how stupid you are. Go figure.
I had lots of dreams coming into marriage that have come true in ways I never could have predicted. There are other dreams I'm waiting for, some more patiently than others. I've heard that expectation is dangerous in relationships, but I have found with doorway man, the opposite is true. I feel like it has everything to do with how expectations are both communicated by the expector and received and processed by the expectee. That's probably not a word. There have been times I felt like I watched the death rattle of my dreams and heard the flatline as I turned my head in disappointment. Then a few months later, where my tears watered the scorched earth in the place my bitterness and anger was released, there have been harvests of unexpected wild fruit. I'm not really sure why it has to come that way in my marriage, but that's what it's been.
"Trust me. Watch and see what I will do." Those words ring over and over in my marriage. These words were what I now understand were the promise God made to me 3 and a half years ago when I looked at brokenness and wanted to turn away. This is so strange, because in my years of "active ministry" I prayed so many times for God to let me be involved in seeing other people healed. I almost missed the biggest opportunity of my life to do just that.
I've watched a man who was stripped of his purpose and his potential be raised up and be given a holy pride and a hunger for growth. I've seen my faith that was wavering restored as the hands of God have built a man in front of my eyes. I've had a front row seat to the greatest miracle I've ever seen in all my years of following God. I've messed up lots of times in the past few years, and my anger and my fear has not been able to thwart God's plan. Go figure on that.
It's been a rough ride, full of days that I wasn't sure I was strong enough. Full of days I wondered if I was the abuser in my relationship with my husband because of some of the really hard times and not being sure if I was saying the right things or being the wife I am supposed to be.
We've really struggled financially. There have been nights I've laid awake in a panic, not knowing how we would ever make it to payday. So many tears. So much sacrifice.
My health has been bad. We've joked alot about my warrantee, and I've had to remind doorway man that I was an "as is" deal. We discovered a huge piece of the puzzle was a malfunctioning thyroid. Apparently, that can cause chronic fatigue, pain, and infertility. I had no idea.
His parents have been in and out of the hospital with serious health issues.
We weren't making it. I was so angry that things were so hard, and I really, really wanted to blame doorway man.
Then, as I laid down my control of one thing at a time, I began to see the hand of the Lord change things for us.
There is a reason that the first part of breakthrough is the word break.
We are entering a new phase of our lives and our marriage. I'm so hopeful to see what God will do in our home. We're about to close on our first house in a few weeks, and we're beginning infertility treatment. I'm going to start blogging again. I want this part chronicled. The good, the bad, and the dummies.
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