Waiting

It seems like every decision we've made the last few years has been in preparation for children. Every piece of clothing I buy or don't buy, I think about if I could wear it if I was pregnant, or if it would be super out of style or impractical post baby. The house we live in, and today buying a washer and dryer, when only the dryer is broken.   I thought, if our washer goes out 2 years from now, when we're paying for daycare, we might not be able to make an extra payment. Waiting for a baby is so consuming in every part of our lives. Everything I eat, the medicine I take, etc. Is run through a "what if" filter. This month is 2 years into this difficult process. I'm hoping to get started on some medical interventions next month. I'm not looking forward to the process, and hope with everything in me that we come out with a baby (or two) at the end of it. I keep hoping to not have to go this road, that I would have peace about which way to go. I haven't closed any doors.

I know from waiting for a husband that God was preparing me for unique circumstances. He was building me and teaching me things I would need. And I believe he may be doing it now. I wish I knew more.

I know that so far, he's joining me to other women who are in various stages of infertility that I certainly would have never met without this battle. He's given me war buddies.

The result is not all heartache. There has been plenty of heartache, but there has been good as well. This wound of a closed womb has reopened my heart to spiritual desires I thought were gone forever.